I have seen two generations of children grow up from birth to adulthood. Some of the second generation now have young children. Observation clearly indicated which of these children would have some serious spiritual problems as they matured. Very early on children reflect what is going on (or not going on) in the home. How many of us have heard, “I don’t know why my child fell away; I took him to all the worship services and youth activities.” Or, “The church didn’t do enough.” There are some very basic problems in the home that need to be addressed.

Are You In The Way?

In order to train our children in the way they should go (Prov. 22:6), we must be sure that we are in the Way (Acts 9:2, 19:9, 24:22). Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one cometh to the Father but by me” (Jn. 14:6). Divine instruction for the training of our children is imbedded in that grand chapter in Deuteronomy (6:1-10). The gist of it is this: Obey God in all His commandments; fear God, be in awe of Him; love Him with all your heart, soul, strength; have His words on your heart; diligently teach these concepts to your children.

Parental Hypocrisy And Lost Children

Hypocrisy is a surefire way of causing children to start down that broad way. You must work at having a genuinely honest heart if you want your child to grow into a faithful Christian. Why not test yourself: Do I manipulate/deceive my mate to get my way? Do I habitually tell “little white lies”? Am I a submissive wife? Am I argumentative at my husband’s requests? Do I pretend to have a wonderful home life, when I do not? Do I ignore some passages of scripture, just because they are inconvenient? Are you truly willing to submit to the Lord, even when it isn’t easy? We must determine to correct our own serious flaws of attitude and character so that we can lead our children to heaven.

Our offspring will mirror our attitudes, and in time live out those dispositions in whatever way they chose. Let us become poor in spirit, humble, meek and submissive before our sovereign King. Unless we are consistent in our service to God, what we say will be ineffective. A parent who has no interest in deep Bible study may respond, as one parent did when the Bible class teacher suggested that his son was not doing any of the assigned class work, “Well, he is a busy boy.” Are we so busy doing every thing else, that we have no time for training our children?

Many people view the word “discipline” only as corporal punishment. However, in the original language of our New Testament (Greek), it means “admonishing or calling to soundness of mind or to self-control” (W.E. Vine, Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words). Ephesians 6:4 teaches that training includes words, as well as action.

Training Kids Is Taxing Work

The word “patience” takes on “real” meaning in the everyday lives of parents. Most likely, you have never been as challenged to keep calm as you have been with your child. W.E. Vine lists a number of Greek words translated by our English word patience. (See: W. E. Vine, Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words). All of those Greek terms have an application in parenting. There was epieikes which denotes “seemly, fitting; ...equitable, fair, moderate, forbearing, not insisting on the letter of the law; it expresses that considerateness that looks ‘humanely and reasonably at the facts of a case’...” Another word epios, “mild, gentle,” was frequently used by the Greek writers as characteristic of a nurse with trying children, or a teacher with refractory scholars, or of parents toward their children. Then there is hupomone (hupo, “under,” meno, “to abide”) thus literally “an abiding under.” This word could be translated “endurance” in many kinds of situations. Also there is makrothumia translated “longsuffering” (from macros, ”long,” thumos, “temper”) – “or slow to anger.”

Meeting the challenges of child rearing requires some maturity and true patience, in all the senses noted above. Self-control is vital. Most of us have found that we were not as up to the task as we thought. But hopefully, those who are dedicated to God, and to the spiritual growth of their children, will strive to grow in patience.

The First Adolescence

Sometime during a toddler’s second year, true defiance will likely surface. You must be observant enough to distinguish defiance from normal toddler behavior. Short attention spans are often the reason for failing to obey. Some have nicknamed this period the first adolescence. Now is the time to make sure you are truly in charge, or those comparatively peaceful middle years (ages 5-11) will not be so. Win this temporary battle—or you may be in for a rough ride (Prov. 22:15)! It is not abnormal for two year olds to have temper tantrums. This will pass in time, if you patiently help your child learn self-control. It is okay to talk to your child about why he is upset, and to verbalize why his behavior is not acceptable. But when the child becomes totally out of control—throwing things, hitting parents, you must take serious action. You may need to isolate your child for a few minutes until he calms down. You might be able to hold him and talk quietly to him. But the bottom line is, there must be consequences for total disrespect of mommy and daddy. Your authority must be kept in tact early in a child’s life. It requires endurance to properly train a child through this period. Giving in to his every whim only enables him to keep up such behavior.

The "Middle-Aged Child

The “middle-aged” child will need to be reminded that you are still in charge (if you ever were!). Ten ground rules of discipline worth considering are listed in the Focus on the Family—Complete Book of Baby and Child Care. Those are summarized here: (1) Keep your goals in mind (Prov. 23:13-14). (2) Discipline should be appropriate according to age and capabilities. (3) Praise what your child does right. (4) Limits and expectations should be clearly defined, understood by children. (5) Consequences must occur consistently, in a timely manner and appropriate for the transgression (not every offence deserves spanking). (6) Disciplinary spanking should be administered in private. (7) Generally, spanking should be primarily reserved for deliberate disobedience. (8) Any disciplinary action should be fair and controlled (one father boasted of striking his child with a belt 36 times), lest a child be discouraged (Col. 3:21). (9) Don’t restrict teaching of values to times of confrontation. (Dt. 6:4-7). (10) When appropriate, allow/encourage your child to make choices that will produce a growing sense of competence and individuality.

The Ultimate Goal: Honest And Submissive Hearts

Flawed training is evidenced when children constantly disobey, ignore your instructions, cry and complain, or habitually argue with you. Though parents cannot expect children to like every command, they can and must expect submission. The chronic complaint of a child at every command does not reflect a submissive heart. And that is the ultimate goal: teaching our children to have honest and submissive hearts. It may be later than you think. Remedial steps must be taken immediately. To remedy some bad habits, you will have to muster more determination to follow through with every thing that you say. We ought not say “no” to every request without thinking, only to have to back down to allow a reasonable request. We ought to change our minds when wrong. But telling a child “no,” only to give in to his whimpers, is detrimental to developing within him a submissive heart. Tough love will consistently apply the appropriate discipline to bring a child back into line with what is right and good for him. We must train the hearts of our children so that they will respond to the demands of our heavenly Father according to His will.

Do Not Provoke Your Children

As parents we continually attempt to influence our children to do their best. What we expect will be based upon our own definition of being successful. If being smart, apt at sports, or other recreational activities, beautiful, popular, or rich-equals-success to us, we will influence our children accordingly. Goals that are not spiritually oriented may crush a child, if he cannot measure up.

One can so micro-manage a child’s life that he will be discouraged. Over-correction is a real danger for parents. The Amplified Version gives a full commentary upon Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. (Cf. Col. 3:21). Parents who constantly control with an angry voice or reprimand for every childish misdeed or inability, must take caution not to violate the Lord’s command to not discourage our children. However, teachers know respect for authority has not been over-taught in most children today. Many youngsters are “mouthy,” rowdy, and disobedient. They often create such a climate that teaching in school or in Bible class is a growing challenge. Some of the most disrespectful Bible class students I have had were children of Christian parents.

Regardless of the age of a child, correction must be done. The method will depend upon the offence, the ability to reason, and the maturity (rather than chronological age) of the child. A wise parent will know when a child is too young, or too old, to spank. But it is certain that when a young child looks you in the eye and calls you names, hits you, refuses to obey, is rude to other people and misbehaves at school, it is past time to apply education to the seat of his pants. Too often, such behavior is called a “phase,” or blamed on someone else. Note that the Bible says, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol [ASV – hell]” (Prov. 23:13-14). (It has been suggested that a rod is simply a “switch”.)

Discipline Versus Child Abuse

The Bible nowhere endorses abusive treatment of children. Note this verse: “Discipline your son while there is hope, but do not [indulge your angry resentments by undue chastisements and] set yourself to his ruin. (Prov. 19:18 Amplified Version). The King James Version translates the second clause as “spare not for his crying.” Numerous scholars suggest that it should be translated “and set not your heart on his destruction” (cf. American Standard Version). E.H. Plumptre comments, “The margin ‘destruction’ gives the true meaning of the word so rendered. So taken, the second clause would mean do not set thy soul on his destruction, and that either as counseling forbearance in the act of chastisement, or as urging that a false clemency is a real cruelty” (The Bible Commentary, F.C. Cook, ed., New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1981, p. 582). Another scholar suggests, “...that “ a failure to discipline is tantamount to participating in killing him (cf.11: 7; 13:24; 20:30; 22:6, 15; 23:13, 14; 29:15). ? In Proverbs discipline is based on love, never on an intention to harm. (Cf. 3:12; 4:4; 13:24)” (Bruce K. Waltke, The New International Commentary on the Old Testament: The Book of Proverbs - Chapters 15-31; Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2005, pp. 111-113.

Flipping a child’s head, cuffing him around, slapping or pinching his face, unnecessary roughness, calling him names, expecting understanding/abilities above his developmental age, nagging, belittling, or comparing him to another child is not discipline, it is abuse. Consequences resulting from disobedience should be accompanied by calm conversation beforehand and be significant enough to cause remorse. A child will use anger, loud crying, sulking, etc., to avoid unpleasant “events” or to get his way. Calmness must prevail in the parent, with as many properly placed “events” as necessary to bring the child into submission.

When crying, time out or other consequences are over, a loving discussion should take place. Parents should not withhold love or affection from a child. Love ought to be unconditional. God’s love is. But His justness demands consequences. Correct chastisement will bring a more peaceful household (Prov. 29:17). It is so vitally important that we understand the purpose for chastisement of any kind. We can do no better than to quote Hebrews 12:11. “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

Let us seek that peaceful fruit of righteousness. For training our children is what will turn the tide of losing so many of our youth to the world. Eli and Samuel lost their boys because they did not restrain them.