Many parents with children approaching the teen years are full of dread. Why is that? Perhaps it is because so many young people in our society have involved themselves in faithlessness, immorality and worldliness. Society has convinced us that no matter what we do, these years will be filled with hormonal imbalances and emotional crises, one after another. The question is, is this true?

By the time your children are in their teen years, you have come to realize that you and your spouse have not been perfect parents, nor have you produced a perfect child. We are all sinners, and that reality will affect our relationships throughout our lives. Each one of us comes to adulthood with a certain amount of “baggage.” Children of Christian parents are no exception. However, this does not mean that life with teens is destined to be a horror experience. As young people mature deeper friendships ought to mature between parents and offspring. The potential for such friendship is assured the more when parent and child have the same goals—seeking the kingdom first.

In spite of parental weaknesses, “love covers a multitude of sins.” This does not mean that sins can be whitewashed just because we love our children. But it does mean that when there is a solid bond of love among family members, and a dedication to God, forgiveness will be as near the surface as love is.

Are We Victims of Our Normal Bodies?

Admittedly, adolescents are experiencing some increased hormone activity. However, hormonal changes started long before the teen years. Blossoming femininity in a little girl often begins as early as eight or nine years of age. A boy will begin to develop heavier bone structure even before his growth spurt and voice change.

Teens do have unique challenges, as does each stage of life. Uncertainties about the future (i.e. faith issues, schooling, being on your own, career, marriage, etc.) contribute to some anxiety. With so many life-changing decisions, it is no wonder that young people are occasionally surly. If that weren’t enough, throw in the hormone changes.

However, when significant problems arise, is it really the hormones, or the uncertainties of life, that cause the problems? As women, we face hormonal ups and downs most of our lives. The truth is, our society is always looking for a way to avoid responsibility. We take a real circumstance, and develop a whole case around it. If a woman misbehaves, she is simply a victim of her physical make-up or her monthly cycle; she is not responsible for her behavior. If a child or teen misbehaves, he hasn’t had enough sleep, or he has hormone imbalances; so he is really not accountable for his actions. Do we really believe this?

Communication skills are necessary to bring out what really is in the heart of our child. However, understanding what is going on inside the child, does not excuse poor behavior. We must do the best we can to control environmental situations to keep circumstances from overwhelming our children. But we all must learn to accept responsibility for the way we act. Even a tired pre-school child should understand that it is unacceptable to show disrespect for mother and father at any time.

Therefore, the realization must be that society cannot be allowed to shape our ideas of what pre-teen or teen years will be. We may learn some things from books, but let us be careful in what we accept. The Bible holds forth exemplary young men such as Joseph, who refused Potiphar’s wife, in spite of the fact that he probably felt lonely in a foreign land. Joseph was about seventeen years of age when he was separated from his father; he had lost his mother when she gave birth to his brother. And he was mistreated by his half-brothers. Yet, he had his head on straight. Other youths of the Scriptures are also great examples; such as Daniel and his friends, Shadrach, Meshach and Abedniggo. Young Miriam watched over her brother, baby Moses. Timothy is a wonderful example of young manhood. Those people had hormone development as well as those in this century!

Teenaged rebellion is blamed upon the natural quest for independence. While there may be a grain of truth in this, is it the real root of the problem? I do not believe this to be the case.

What Is The Cause of The Conflict?

What then is the problem? What is the atmosphere in the home generally? Are parents constantly bickering? Have youngsters learned that the loudest one wins? When parents and teen-aged children are at variance with one another, there can be significant upheaval in the family. The Lord’s brother, James, asks this question, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something, but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God” (Jas. 4:1-4).

James really lays the soul bare in this chapter. Boiling it all down, selfishness, a lack of spirituality (spiritual adultery), and a void of humility (arrogance) is the basic cause of rebelliousness, and serious conflict, including hatred (cf. 1 Jn. 3:15). But how does a sweet little boy become a rebellious, hell-bent teenager? It doesn’t just happen!

Our aim as Christian parents must be more than teaching our children to become good law-abiding citizens who are able to support themselves as adults. Rather, it is the heart that we are grooming for service to Jesus Christ.

Two Guiding Principles

Elsewhere we have stressed the paramount importance of the bond of love between parent and child, and between parents themselves. The attachment disorder that is so common today is a barrier to the molding of the heart of a child for the Lord.

We have also pointed out how crucial it is to begin teaching a very young child about respecting authority, and being an authority figure that is worthy of respect.

Unfortunately, in these times, respect for one’s peers has become more important than respect for parents. Children today are exposed to every kind of “life-style”—via schoolmates, schoolteachers, television, music and movies. Parents simply must do some serious thinking about how all these social pressures will shape the thinking of their child—before it does! If your child’s best friend is the product of a broken home, and is a child who has lost respect for parents, you must be more alert. You may feel your child is being a good friend to a youngster who has had a difficult time. And that may be so, but it bears watching. Perhaps your child’s best friend is an atheist or a “good” person with a loose religious upbringing. We are often influenced by others (1 Cor. 15:33; Prov. 13:20). There is, for example, the cumulative effect of parental distraction, and youngsters fending for themselves (cf. Prov. 29:15b). There is the impact of teachers who were on the anti-authority bandwagon in the 60’s and 70’s, and who still have little regard for “the establishment.” These factors are joined with media and peer influences. Your children are being molded by influences you never suspected. We must ever be watchful for our children (cf. 1 Cor. 16:13-14).

These two guiding principles continue on into all the years you are responsible for your children. The applications broaden in many respects. Children who truly love and respect their parents as role models, and who feel loved and respected, are less likely to become rebellious. We cannot fail to recognize that some will fall by the way out of personal choice and the exercise of their own free will. But there is some insurance against that if we can apply these two principles. As time passes, parental authority will lessen and eventually be removed all together. Respect for parental opinion, and the bond of love, will remain, if the principles have been consistent over the years.

Keeping Family Love Strong

Let us consider the love-bond between the parent and the preteen or teenaged child. What usually happens in the life of contemporary families at this stage? There are ballgames, music lessons, craft lessons, part-time jobs, mothers go back to work, fathers take up new interests, more church work (maybe), and so on goes the list. What has been depleted relating to the love connection? T-I-M-E! Hurry here, hurry there, hurry everywhere. Can we keep our communication lines open when we are in perpetual motion, and often times in different directions? Discussion of ballgames may be a type of communication. But discussion of how the child feels about losing his ball game is better. Helping the child overcome the feelings of deprivation when he skips ball practice, or a game, to attend worship is good communication.

Communication involves helping one another become what the Lord desires. It involves sharing on more than a superficial level; it must communicate affection; it involves making plans together; spiritual teaching and learning; and it involves praying together.

Keeping family love strong begins with our commitments to our spouse. “Oh, but, he....” Well, he may not be all he can be, but we must begin with ourselves. Let us become the kind of wives the Lord asks us to be. Study the passages that give instruction for wives (cf. Eph. 5:25-31; Titus 2:4-5; 1 Pet. 3:1-6). Let us work harder at being the kind of Christians we ought to be, maturing in the virtues listed in 2 Peter 1. Let us become more loving, and thereby more loveable, by studying great passages of scripture such as 1 Corinthians 13. In fact, let us develop into students of the word, so that we will know what God wants us to be. We must recognize that we must be true to the godly values we espouse. If our children view us as hypocritical, you can be sure that our influence will be enormously reduced.

The importance of the bond between spouses, and between parents and children cannot be exaggerated. “There is no hidden genetically controlled, instinctive dynamic that causes teens to automatically reject their parents and family in favor of peers.” Generally, “[I] f the family is accepted as the primary source of values and comfort, then the teen not only identifies with, but makes friends among those possessing similar values.” (Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, Reaching The Heart of Your Teen, Sisters, OR: Multnomah Publishers Inc., 1997, p. 115).

Respect For Parental Authority Must Remain

Avoid Unnecessary Power Struggles

Proper discipline demands that we remember that your teenager is still young and not fully matured. But he does not need constant reminders of this fact. Overlook some things that are just silly. Be sure you know the difference between silliness and deliberate, wrong behavior. Avoid verbal put-downs. No person can emotionally thrive under constant belittling. These kinds of words will lead to power struggles that conflict with your being able to lead a child to having a godly heart.

Power struggles exist through out the growing up years to some degree. Whether a child is two or twelve, there will come some times that he will challenge your authority. In these cases, you must win. However, before you set your jaw, take some time to be sure that he has laid down the challenge.

Proverbs 18:13 and John 7:51 give a principle about listening before judging a situation. James tells us to be “swift to hear and slow to speak.” As one mother suggested we should remember the acronym: OWL - observe, wait, and listen. The old adage: Stop, Look, and Listen ought to be incorporated into our dealings with our children. By observing the fact that you have to continually tell your children to do something several times shows that he is not being taught to obey right away. If he argues or objects every time, you must realize that he is not properly appealing your instructions. But waiting and thinking about the circumstances, you may even discover that the one in error is you.

Expect Respect

As you treat your child with respect, expect the same treatment from him. Do not allow any disrespectful speech, either in backtalk, or in demeaning you. Once you surrender in this matter, to a child of any age, you are paving the way for trouble.

Teach your child that he can express himself and his displeasure without being disrespectful. This means you cannot be on an ego trip yourself; you cannot wear your feelings on your sleeve (as the proverb goes). You must be able to allow another person to disagree with you without taking great offense. It is not biblical behavior, modern psychology not withstanding, to vent one’s feelings in a hostile, angry way. Self-control must be demonstrated by parents, and expected of children.

Be sure you know what disrespectful words and tones are! It is not uncommon to witness youths speaking in demeaning tones and words to their parents. This cannot be tolerated in public or private. If your child challenges you in public, make sure he understands (as soon as you can) that the next time, he will be rebuked publicly, then deal with the offense appropriately. Of course you will do that in a calm and deliberate manner. It may only be such words as; “I will deal with you later for speaking this way.”

Teach decision-making from the time a child is small. Allow a little child to choose, within reason, what he will wear, and what he will eat. Give him some options in activities. It is a mistake to smother your child. Let him grow.

The next article will deal with communication, and how to discipline a teen. Parents struggle with how to treat their youngsters when they want their independence, and when parents want to cooperate with a natural weaning from parental authority. The balancing act can be challenging. May our Lord help as you shepherd these wonderful gifts.