The teen years are not an easy time of life. The yearning for making one’s own decisions is strong, and normal. The development of independent thinking is desirable, and should be encouraged and guided by parents.

Teen years can be difficult for parents as well. With the strong-willed child, it is easy to relinquish authority, or to give in to demands. But to successfully get past these years, which can be a minefield of problems, foundations must be laid down firm and strong, long before these times arrive. Parents and children will make mistakes. Though parents have not “patented” childrearing, and teens have not been teens before, the outcome can be good times for wonderful memory making.

Let us review some of the topics we have covered in this series. Besides the loving bond between parents and children, and careful discipline, the most important task parents have is helping a child to develop an honest heart. An honest heart is willing to learn what is right. An honest heart will learn to be humbly submissive and obedient to God and parents. An honest heart will learn to become a servant. The world is bereft of honesty. Worldly people cheat, lie, and ignore truth without blinking an eye. Parents who do not model honesty in every possible way are setting the stage for potential spiritual problems in their children.

To keep a child charted in the honest direction, he must not be allowed to manipulate his parents at any age. Nor should his demands override parental good judgment. Young people are typically self-centered. It takes a lifetime of learning to control and direct this disposition. None of us completely masters being otherwise all of the time. But we can learn to control our leanings by being honest and submissive. Some parents seem happy to relinquish their authority when their children become teen-aged. It is easier to go your own way, and allow the children to go theirs. It is tedious to be aware of every thing that is going on with one’s children. But parents simply must stay in tune with the lives of their teen children. Teens are still children in many respects, thus requiring ongoing instruction (Eph. 6:4). In previous articles, we have touched on the need to keep good communication and spiritual communication (teaching) in the home.

Real Communication

Gary and Mary Ezzo write, “Communication skills are not a substitute for common or shared values. What holds families together is the moral unity found in the soul of the family. Without Scripture’s moral compass, our conversations can easily get turned around and lost in a wilderness called self. Communication of hearts and minds takes place between persons of like character” (Reaching the Heart of Your Teen, p. 140).

When you communicate with your young child, looking him in the eyes as you talk with him, when you read to him, when you listen to his childish, excited prattle, as you patiently teach him, and when you unselfishly discipline (train) him, you are preparing the way for a relationship that will last a lifetime. Surely, all of us want a loving relationship with our children through out our lives.

Low Self Esteem and Rebellion

Keeping Close

So much more could be said about working to keep a close relationship during these potentially trying times. Don’t allow friends to become more important than family. Don’t allow your teen or your whole family to become so busy with every kind of sport or recreational activity you can find. Some believe that keeping kids involved in sports will keep them out of trouble. There is a place for sports, as long as it is in balance. However, what will keep a child out of trouble is a good heart filled with the love of Christ, and a mind full of what the Lord expects. Remember the psalmist’s words, “Thy word have I hid in my heart, that I might not sin against you” (Psa. 119:11). Sports can lend to self-centeredness if pursued with a disposition of pridefulness. Some are gifted with athletic ability. That isn’t a bad thing. But when sports (or anything else) become most important in one’s life, it becomes an idol. The Lord stated that he is a jealous God, and would not take second place to anything (Ex. 20:3-5). Caution is urged. Are sports more important than worshiping God? To make a passing sport event more important than the Lord’s Day, is asking for spiritual decline in your child (cf. Heb. 10:24-25).

The goal is to develop within our children the ability to have wisdom and virtues so as to stand on their own convictions from the word of God. Many things must be learned by our children to prepare them for adulthood. But all of those things must be considered in their place in the well-rounded life of a Christian, who puts the Lord first in every area of life. Living for Christ is not compartmentalized. Our children must learn this from us, and practice it daily.

Correcting Behavior

Some of the suggestions that follow are generic regarding age levels. Some would not apply to a teen-aged child. Though spanking is not specifically addressed in this article, we should consider that it doesn’t seem profitable to “spank” an older child. Though some may disagree, it seems generally to be a counter productive effort. It is demeaning to a near adult.

As we consider training our children, we need to be reminded of several things. First, we should clarify different kinds of behavioral categories that need to be corrected. Childishness can be responsible for error. Authors Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam define childishness as usually being “a head problem — a lack of knowledge” (On Becoming Teen Wise, p. 102). It may be the inability, at least for the moment to see consequences (e.g., children playing with a ball in the house, which ends up breaking a lamp or picture). Defiance is a different matter. The same authors define defiance as “heart problem — the child does not want to do what is right.” These gentlemen point out that motives make the difference.

Before correction can occur, the circumstance needs to be evaluated. This is one of the most difficult things for a parent to do. In the heat of just discovering that some favorite item or heirloom has just been destroyed, or that junior has seemingly deliberately disobeyed, one must learn to take the time (even take some time out to cool down!) to determine if the error was a result of misunderstanding, lack of information or wisdom, or was it deliberate defiance.

Correction Requires Explanation

Childish errors and deliberate defiance require correction“Correction requires explanation” (Ezzo and Bucknam, p. 103). Unless we take the time to explain what the child has done wrong, the efforts at behavioral change are only for the short term. The right thing must be taught as well. It may be you can ask the child to explain to you what he thinks he has done in error. In so doing, you may get an insight as how to correct him. This again emphasizes the need for good communication.

James discusses the importance of truth being planted in the heart, so that one may be saved (Jas. 1:21). All the things we teach our children must be planted in their hearts for them to be trained. The Lord taught, “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth that which is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth that which is evil?” (Luke 6:45). Since we cannot be with our children all of the time, we must properly train them, or they will not have the ability, or the moral strength to do right on their own.

Let us look at some examples of behaviors that may need corrected. “Talking-back” surfaces at most any age. Whining, replying with hateful tones, getting upset, or arguing about instructions are commonplace. How do we deal with this particular behavior, at any age?

First, I must consider how I speak to my child. Do I often yell? Are my tones or words frequently sarcastic, condescending or whining in self-pity? Do I ridicule my child, calling him names? If the answer is “yes” to any of these, we need to analyze our own attitudes. We must be sure that our words are godly. The wise man stated, “A soft answer turns away wrath; but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1).

Perhaps the child does not believe we mean what we say unless we are angry. When we allow poor behavior to go on so long that we become frustrated and angry, and we lose control, we are training our children to respond only to angry words. As a result, he may learn to use anger to express what he wants.

Second, how do my husband and I speak to each other? Do we argue in front of our children? Do we say biting and sarcastic things to each other? How is my tone when I speak to my mate or to any adult? Are we respectful toward one another? When parents belittle one another, showing little respect and love for each other, how can children respect them? We ought to speak “such as is good for building up, as fits the occasions, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29).

Third, am I consistent in my expectations of how my child should talk or react to me? Or do I allow/ignore a disrespectful tongue part of the time, and blow up about it at another time? Habits are not easy to correct. It requires constant attention and oversight. Young children can be trained with continual, consistent effort. If your child is older, and habitually speaks to you in a sinful way, you ought to sit him down with the Scriptures and read appropriate verses with him at a time when there is not a confrontation going on. He needs to know what is right. However, if sitting down with the Bible is a novelty in your home, it likely will not produce the favorable result. Using the Bible as a weapon, rather than for instruction is harmful.

Fourth, how do I handle my younger child when he has misbehaved? Do I jerk him, grab him hard, shake or push him around? What are my facial expressions? This strong body language or non-verbal communication can come back to you in kind! There is a difference between taking a child firmly by the arm to lead him to a private place for discipline, and creating a climate that will be counter-productive to the communication of the ideal we are attempting to teach.

What to do? Sincerely check your own behavior. Talk with your mate concerning the problem. Try to be consistent. Learn to give correction in a calm, less strident tone. If you have developed a yelling, screaming tactic, try lowering your voice to almost a whisper. Your child will soon learn that it is just as meaningful as a yell! Be sure you are taking care of correction at the beginning of disobedience, rather than allowing a high pitch of emotion to develop in your heart before you take necessary action. Have appropriate consequences for poor behavior that you are trying to correct. Again, be consistent. Fifth, if the youngster’s wrong behavior is hateful treatment of a sibling, have you been observant regarding the relationship of your children? Is it possible you are allowing the development of hostility because of your favoritism? Wrong behavior is not acceptable, even when there is an explanation for the emotions behind it. But we need to take the necessary steps to eliminate an environment that leads to outbreaks of anger. Obviously, siblings will occasionally get on each other’s nerves. They are immature, and have a lot to learn. It is our obligation to teach them how to deal with others who have wronged us. And we must make sure there isn’t an instigator who is consistently allowed to deliberately irritate without consequence.

We must be reminded that obedience has much more to do with obeying God than parental authority. Parental authority is a means to an end for the health of a child emotionally, physically, and most important, spiritually. If we can take our own egos out of the picture, perhaps we can be more deliberate in our efforts to train and correct our children.

Rocky teen years are often the result of poor discipline and/or faulty relationships when the child was young. Power struggles not won when a child is young, will continue to worsen as one’s offspring grows older. Unstable relationships will be additionally strained.

Defiance

What is disobedience? Some parents are so legalistic that they think that any disagreement with them by their child is disobedience. Others are so lenient that a child can be disobedient or slothful in listening, or in prolonging obedience, and parents will hardly notice.

Defiance is deliberate disobedience. It can be subtle or sneaky. Or it can be an “in your face” behavior. Both must be corrected.

Even older children deserve the courtesy of knowing when a task is to be completed. Younger children need notified that playtime is to be over in a certain number of minutes. Learning to obey right away ought to be a household rule from early years. But to expect anyone, young or old, to simply drop what they are doing, is a bit unfair. However, if directives have been fairly given, dropping what you are doing to obey is in order!

Correcting Your Teen

How can you correct a defiant teen? Volumes have been written about that topic. First, if you have not carefully shepherded the heart of your child through his younger days, you may not be able to easily correct him. You may need some counseling with a wise person to help you. But if the child still loves and respects you, and is generally obedient and pleasant, defiance is something you can “treat.”

If your daughter knows it is her job to clean her room, and a deadline has been given, and she is ignoring your clear directives, saying that she doesn’t have time, because her friend is expecting her, you have some choices. What will it be? Will respect for you wait or her friend? You haven’t created the situation. Your daughter has. So it is her problem. Insist that she clean the room. If she becomes angry about it, tell her she cannot go to be with her friend. You cannot afford to allow a young person to disrespect your authority. You don’t need to yell, scream or “get on a high horse. “ But you need to be firm and stick to your words. If you give in, you are not doing the child a favor.

On the other hand, if your daughter is stressed over a test that is coming up, and she has been studying hard, you can afford to help her out by cleaning her room for her (as long as it doesn’t get to be a habit), or by moving the time the task is to be completed. So you see, common sense must be used.

Loss of privileges, grounding, and monetary consequences all are appropriate ways of showing that you are not going to tolerate disrespect or deliberate disobedience. These should be significant enough to mean something to the child. Think about your decision before you speak it. If your consequences are too harsh, you will give in, and that will result in the child not believing you mean what you say, thus creating confusion about your leadership and authority.

If you are able to reason with your child generally, you can pray with him/her. If you have been cross or grumpy lately, genuinely apologize for that. (You may realize that you are the reason for the defiance.) Model a penitent and humble heart before your child. If you have treated him badly, it is good for him to know that you are sorry, and you have asked God to help you. Talk to him about the fact that you cannot tolerate disrespectful backtalk, not only because it is hurtful to you, but also because it is wrong before God. Make this a meaningful communication of your heart to his, even if he sits in silence. However, be seriously concerned that you may be in an abusive cycle, if you habitually mistreat your child, and habitually “repent.” In this case, you have a personal problem that needs to be addressed.

Not every error needs the same method of correction. It could be a word of strong warning the first time a child fails to follow directions, with a follow-up of more serious consequences the next time. Evaluation of circumstances, without making excuses for the child, is always in order.

Some young people have a more difficult time getting through the teen years. Think about the “why” your child is being difficult. Perhaps it is the influence of his friends, teachers, recreational activities or some other. Take the steps necessary to preserve your child, before it is too late.

Then, take some time to think about yourself. How are you dealing with that child? Are you too harsh? Are you too lenient? Some mistakes will not be soul destructive. Some will. Foundations laid early in life pave the way for the later years. Prepare before those years with prayer and determination that you will do all that is required, you will make every sacrifice to insure that your child will develop into a strong Christian adult. How many would change jobs, give up careers, live simpler life-styles in order to lead their child to the Lord? Invest in some good books that specialists have written. *

“Love covers a multitude of sins.” How often we as parents hope and pray that our children will be forgiving, as we struggle to walk this most wonderful and awesome road of parenting.

*The books and/or authors listed below are possible helps out of hundreds of books from which one might choose. We must issue a disclaimer for there are several matters, especially doctrinal, with which we strongly disagree (e.g., relative to the plan of salvation, hereditary total depravity, and other issues). It is possible for a person to have great insight through specific study into certain biblical issues and be blind to other teaching. As long as they are writing about those things that are biblical, we feel justified in using their resources. Often we study books and glean some truth from them without accepting all the teaching of the author.

Honesty, Morality and Conscience, by Jerry White See website for NavPress: http://www.navpress.com/Store/Product/0891099425.html

Shepherding Your Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0966378601/103-19406096633448?v=glance&n=283155

Reaching the Heart of Your Teen, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo

On Becoming Teen Wise, by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, M.D.

A search on the inter-net for these books can find various price ranges.