She is offensive. She is a take-charge woman. She is manipulative. She gives unwarranted advice freely. She is pretentious. Could her name be Euodia or Syntyche? (Phil. 4:1-2). I have often wondered why these two women were at odds with one another. They were devout women who labored with Paul, serving the Lord. But their dissension was so serious that it was reported to the apostle, burdening him while he was imprisoned in Rome. The disruption in his beloved congregation in Philippi was worrisome.

We do not know what disagreement existed between these women. However, it appears that both of them were strong willed, and needed help in coming to an agreement “in the Lord.” (Phil. 4:2). Paul’s stress over the internal grumblings of this body of the Lord’s people is evident throughout his letter to them.

In chapter 2, he says, “Make full my joy...” (v. 2). These brethren may have been the most supportive of any of the churches, providing him with financial help since their beginning (1:5). He thanks God for them (1:3). Yet his joy was not complete. At the outset he urges the brethren to “stand fast in one spirit, with one soul striving for the faith of the gospel” (1:27, emp. BJ). He instructed them to be “of one accord, of one mind” (2:2, emp. BJ).

Those magnificent verses in which Paul holds forth the humility of Christ was born out of his anxiety over the possibility of division among his most beloved brethren (2:1-11). Throughout the book Paul teaches us how to deal with personality differences and kindred problems. However, there is not a hint that he is suggesting a compromise of truth.

The purpose of this article is not to address the changes needed in the problem person. Rather it is to help us see how to cope with such a one who is not likely to change very much. Perhaps too much sadness in the history of that person molded the personality. But the issue for each of us is how to deal with the difficult brother or sister in Christ. The Scriptures do tell us what to do (cf. 2 Tim. 3:16-17).

Love's Virtues

Any virtue that would enable us to be more patient and tolerant must be cultivated out of love. Paul said that without love our words are simply an annoying noise. He said one who has all knowledge and faith without love is nothing. Even the greatest sacrifice of goods and one’s own body out of some motive other than love, is worthless. (1 Cor.13).

Thus, love toward the problem person must be extended. What is this love? It is agape. It is a love that has the other person’s highest and spiritual welfare at center. (See: Wayne Jackson, The Challenge of Agape Love, http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/the_challenge_of_agape_love.)

Of the Greek word agape, W.E. Vine observed that:

“Christian love, whether exercised toward the brethren, or toward men generally, is not an impulse from the feelings, it does not always run with the natural inclinations, nor does it spend itself only upon those for whom some affinity is discovered. Love seeks the welfare of all, Rom. 15:2? “ (Vine, W.E. (1962), An Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words, Westwood: N.J.: Fleming H. Revell Company, Vol. 111, p. 21).

Adam Clarke eloquently commented upon Matthew 22:39:

“The love of our neighbour springs from the love of God as its source; is found in the love of God as its principle, pattern, and end; and the love of God is found in the love of our neighbour, as its effect, representation, and infallible mark. This love of our neighbour is a love of equity, charity, succour, and benevolence. We owe to our neighbour what we have a right to expect from him. ‘Do unto all men as ye would they should do unto you,’ is a positive command of our blessed Saviour. By this rule, therefore, we should speak, think, and write, concerning every soul of man: put the best construction upon all the words and actions of our neighbour that they can possibly bear. By this rule we are taught to bear with, love, and forgive him; to rejoice in his felicity, mourn in his adversity, desire and delight in his prosperity, and promote it to the utmost of our power: instruct his ignorance, help him in his weakness, and risk even our life for his sake, and for the public good. In a word, we must do every thing in our power, through all the possible varieties of circumstances, for our neighbours, which we would wish them to do for us, were our situations reversed.” http://www.studylight.org/com/acc/view.cgi?book=mt&chapter=022 Or (Adam Clarke n.d., Clarke’s Commentary, Matthew-Revelation, Nashville: Abingdon, p. 215-216).

A study of agape, with relative scripture references, is paramount. Such love requires that we are sincere, not phony, in our efforts to win the heart of a difficult person. If others know that we are genuinely interested in them, it might help smooth some rough edges.

Taking Responsibility

Another key component in dealing with the irritating brother or sister is to take responsibility for our own problems. Note that Paul said, “doing nothing through faction (contention or rivalry) or through vainglory (empty pride, conceit)” (Phil. 2:3). Why is it that we become so insulted, when a braggart condescends us by insulting our ability, our looks, or our integrity? Obviously, even the most spiritual person could be irritated by the foolish behavior of some. We may even have justified righteous indignation when sin is involved. But we must look deep inside our hearts and analyze our feelings. Is it because we do not see that person through humble eyes that we are so rattled by thoughtless statements? Could it be that we have a sense of rivalry or competition with such a one? Could it be that we are prideful, so that any hint of criticism cannot be taken with the proverbial “grain of salt.” When we are able to put ourselves into better focus by having “lowliness of mind,” perhaps then we can avoid crossing the line from simple disapproval to murmuring and harmful talk. (2:12-16). If we are reflective, this type of challenge may even help us to grow.

Accentuate The Positive

Paul further taught that forbearance, or the virtue of being “fair, mild, gentle” or having “sweet reasonableness,” ought to characterize us (4:8-9). Commanding ourselves to be mild-mannered in the face of abrasive behavior can only be drawn from a heart filled with love.

If we diligently worked toward “accentuating the positive” as Paul ordered, we could learn to spiritually cope with problem people. By focusing upon the good in a person, rather than the negative we could temper much of our own responses when we are wounded. If we could but stretch ourselves to praise, when we would like to rebuke, would we not calm troubled waters, even in our own hearts? After all, the wise man said, “A soft answer turns away wrath; but a grievous word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1). Sometimes we need to “talk softly with ourselves” about things that are troubling us!

Another vital part of dealing with the problem person is to do good deeds for him or her. In his letter to the Romans, Paul urged the brethren to treat enemies well, giving them food and clothing if they are in need. He urged them to overcome evil with good (Rom. 12:9-21). Surely, if an enemy should be so well treated, we ought to be good to a sister in Christ who does not have winsome ways. Perhaps a card, a favorite dish, or a birthday gift can help ease the tensions. Doing your very best to be friendly is good for you, as well as for the annoying one.

When he first began his preaching work, the late Mac Layton conducted a funeral for a good Christian woman called “Aunt Nellie.” He recalls that the town’s people packed into the church building. However, “Aunt Nellie” was not rich, nor had she taught Bible classes. But she was such a kind, compassionate person that she would bake pies for people on special occasions of joy or sorrow. But the most often refrain was that she never spoke badly of people. She was a positive person. How envious we ought to be of the “Aunt Nellies,” when we struggle with our dispositions! (Mac Layton, Winning, Grace Publications, Oklahoma City – though this book may be out of print, it can be found through: http://www.bookfinder4u.com/search_author/Mac_Layton.html).

Then, perhaps a sense of humor would go a long way in defusing our responses. We must learn to laugh at ourselves. We ought not take every word another says so seriously. Most of us speak out of place at one time or another. We usually regret allowing our tongues free rein! Sadly, there are times that we may not even realize that we have hurt someone by thoughtless comments. If we can admit that this is true, perhaps we will be able to be a bit more long-suffering toward a socially inept sister or brother. We might even want to take a good look at ourselves to analyze whether our behaviors are habitually aggravating to others.

Confrontation of Sin

We have discussed some positive steps. But there is another approach that may be necessary. When a brother or sister wounds others, sin might have taken place. If we know with certainty that sin has been committed, confronting that person may be necessary. Though hard to do, love does not overlook sin. Of course, we must be wise and cautious in the judgments that we make. Our manner of confronting another must be completely out of love.

Supplication For All The Saints

Last, but not least, we ought to pray for our sibling in Christ. Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount that we are to pray for those who persecute us” (Mt. 5:44). If we are to pray for our enemies, are we not to pray for our brethren? Note Ephesians 6:17-18:

“And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, with all prayer and supplication praying at all seasons in the Spirit, and watching thereunto in all perseverance and supplication for all the saints.”

Scholars suggest that “supplication” is a special kind of prayer of imploring request, especially for “averting evils.” The perseverance and watchfulness that Paul teaches is to be accompanied by taking the sword of the Spirit, the word of God, with supplication for our brethren. (cf. Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible, Robert Jamieson, A. R. Fausset and David Brown, http://www.studylight.org/com/jfb/view.cgi?book=eph&chapter=006)

The renowned Albert Barnes listed some reasons for supplicating on behalf of for our brethren: “ We should do this: (1.) Because they are our brethren--though they may have a different skin, language, or name. (2.) Because, like us, they have hearts prone [by habit] to evil, and need, with us, the grace of God. (3.) Because nothing tends so much to make us love others, and to forget their faults, as to pray for them. (4.) Because the condition of the church is always such that it greatly needs the grace of God. Many Christians have backslidden; many are cold or lukewarm; many are in error; many are conformed to the world; and we should pray that they may become more holy, and may devote themselves more to God.” (http://www.studylight.org/com/bnn/view.cgi?book=eph&chapter=006&verse=018#Eph6_1).

We must remember that we are our own worst enemy when we fail to fight the temptations the devil fires our way. He relishes discord among brethren. The irritating Christian likely is hurting with problems that we can barely comprehend. If we recoil and withhold ourselves from such a person, who may believe they are strong, but in point of fact are weak (at least in some areas), we may contribute to their spiritual downfall. We all have our weaknesses. Having a poor disposition toward others may be ours.

Doing our best to have a holy attitude and godly behavior toward another Christian whose personality is offensive may not change them. But to be sure, we will feel much better not having the burden of guilt, if we learn to let a lot of things roll off us. Let us supplicate our Father for the strength to have the love of Jesus in our hearts. He sacrificed his blood. Can we be that living sacrifice by extending mercy with cheerfulness (Rom. 12:1-3, 8)? We must strive to contribute whatever is necessary and biblical to enjoy the unity so beautifully described by David,

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron's beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments;

As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there the LORD commanded the blessing, even life for evermore. Psalm 133

Related Articles

Wayne Jackson, The Three Dimensions of Love, http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/three_dimensions_of_love

Wayne Jackson, Jesus, Lazarus, and Agape Love, http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/john_1135_jesus_lazarus_and_agape_love

Wayne Jackson, 2 John 6 — The Nature of Love,

http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/2_john_6_the_nature_of_love

Wayne Jackson, John 4:7 Christ’s Love and Tradition, http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/john_47_christs_love_and_tradition

Wayne Jackson, The Abuse of Love, http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/the_abuse_of_love