It is difficult to come up with reliable statistics concerning the percentage of people getting divorced each year. Some suggest it is as high as seventy-five percent. Others conclude that those figures are way off, and the facts indicate that the percent is closer to about twenty-five percent. Whatever that percentage is, we all know that divorce is more common and more acceptable to most than it ever has been. Statisticians tell us that the rate of divorce has declined in the last few years. Sadly, this is the result of more people cohabiting instead of marrying.

Divorce doesn’t just affect the lives of the couple. Children, and extended family are also affected. Christian people who accept the teaching of Jesus Christ recognize that there is only one reason for divorcing a mate. When a spouse has committed adultery, and is unwilling to repent, the innocent victim may scripturally divorce that mate. (cf. Mattthew 19:1-9; Matthew 5:32.)

Generally, marriage vows include some wording of promises to be loving and faithful during the good times and bad. Without question, that there will be some bad days, for various reasons. There will be financial problems, parenting problems, and health problems.

Likely, most people enter marriage with some ideals that are unrealistic. It may be shocking news when one learns that the groom isn’t perfect! What to do? Look at the bride! You knew she wasn’t perfect. But he thought she was. So two newlyweds are faced with the facts:

People enter marriage with strikes against them—imperfections and considerable baggage of the past.

They are two sinners, who have vowed to honor each other through the good times and the bad.

What Now?

It is crucial for every person to realize that loving God with all of your being is the only way to be truly happy in this life. Many think they are happy because they manage to get along with their spouses. But true happiness involves some mourning over sin (Matthew 5:3). Until we seek God’s forgiveness according to his pattern, and not on the basis of some man-made doctrine, we cannot be blessed in the sense of the teaching of Jesus in the beatitudes.

Not all harmony pleases God. A man may weakly submit to a domineering wife. A woman may endure her husband’s affairs and abuse for the sake of getting along. These are sinful ways of “getting along.” Godly harmony in marriage only comes as a result of both marriage partners loving God with all of their hearts and souls, as Jesus taught in Matthew 22:37. Harmony will not result when husbands and wives fail to love each other with total commitment. Wives must recognize that they cannot of themselves “change” their husbands. But it is possible to change oneself! If your mate is a decent individual, your marriage can improve. It is up to you. Biblical principles applied are so powerful, that there will be some positive results.

Power Struggles In The Home

The Bible teaches that woman was created for man (Genesis 2:18; 1 Corinthians 11:9). How do you feel about the fact that your place in life is “for” your husband? Have you secretly resented the submissive role demanded by Scripture? Have you been “sucked into the whirlpool” of the world’s feminist view of what you “deserve?” If you have had a rebellious heart in this regard, your actions will unavoidably be tinted with rebellion. While there may not be the vying for the public roles in the church, there will be a constant power struggle in the home. Is it possible you have marriage problems as the result of your desire to be “the leader?”

Since God designed woman to be a help suitable for man, we need to know why we are to help. To answer this, we are compelled to consider the purpose of mankind—to “Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole (duty) of man” (Ecclesiastes 12:13). Every thing we do should be goal oriented toward serving God Almighty. Our purpose is to glorify Him.

When Jesus was upon this earth, he took great pains to teach his disciples about servant-hood. In Matthew 25:40 Jesus taught that ministering to those in prison was the same as ministering to him. He also taught that when we refuse to minister to others, we could be lost (vs. 41-45).

The Ministering Wife

I must ask myself this question, and so should you: Am I ministering? The answer could be, “Well, I take care of my family— doing the laundry, preparing meals?.” But are you ministering? The purpose of ministering is to help others, not just to survive this life, but also to help them on their journey to heaven. So when we go about our tasks, are we inwardly begrudging these tasks; or are we seeing ourselves as ministering to Christ (cf. Colossians 3:22-24), with joy and thanksgiving for the opportunity to serve?

As Jesus washed the disciples’ feet he declared that one who understands what it means to be a servant is blessed. The word “blessed” is the Greek word makarios, meaning happy or blessed. On another occasion, in dealing with the competitiveness of the apostles, Jesus taught that those who minister to others are considered great. Jesus gave us an example in that he gave his life to minister to us all (Mark 10:35-45.)

Even that context, it is obvious that the word “minister” has to do with serving others. For more study of the word “minister,” you may find a consideration of the Greek words offered at this site: http://vines.mike-obrien.net/. Note the company that one who serves is among: Jesus Christ, angels, Paul, Timothy, and many others.

If your married life has been a constant struggle of wills, think about changing your heart. Humble yourself; confess your sin to God. If your behavior has been overt, ask your husband to forgive you, and to be patient with you as you seek to change in true repentance.

How To Minister

You may be puzzled as to “how” to minister. You already take care of the household. First consider changing your attitude. Consider the “ideal” woman of Proverbs 31. What disposition do we see in that woman as she carries on her many tasks? Laughter and kindness characterizes her, not shrill complaining, constant nagging, nor inward resentful seething. It is a blessing from God that you have health enough to do your work.

The wandering Israelites “murmured” against Moses and Aaron, authorities placed over them by God, himself. Moses charged those complainers with murmuring against God when they griped against Aaron and himself. (See Exodus 16:1-8.) How does God view our complaining? Of course, some complaints are legitimate. Others are not. Some complaints are of greater consequence than others. You can hardly compare the legitimate complaints of a woman whose husband beats her, to those of a woman who complains about her husband not putting his socks in the clothes hamper.

In the everyday living, some things are not worth complaining about, nor are they worth being upset over. In a ladies’ class a woman bitterly complained about her husband not “seeing” the trash as he walked by it. She just had to report to the rest that he did not take it out. It appeared she preferred acting like a “martyr” rather than simply, sweetly requesting his help. In fact, taking it out herself would not have been an end life situation!

Begin to truly minister to your mate. If you do not know where to begin, these suggestions are offered.

Financially

Do you squander your family income? Do you run up credit card debt? Do you waste time running around town looking for the latest fashion on sale? We don’t have to buy everything that is on sale! The husband in Proverbs 31 had every reason to trust in his wife’s handling of the family income (31:11-12).

Do you keep a clean house? Living life can cause us to get behind. We need to do the best we can. But if your home is in continual chaos and you do not know where to begin, you might consider these websites for help:

http://organizedhome.com/index.html

http://www.flylady.com/index.asp/

A man has the right to come home to a comfortable environment. You may not have the greatest of household goods, but what you do have can be clean and uncluttered. He shouldn’t have to move the laundry off the sofa to sit down! Your bathrooms can be clean and sanitary. Your floors and baseboards can be cleaned on a regular basis.

On balance, be sure your husband is not made miserable by your being insanely obsessed in your housekeeping. He shouldn’t be afraid to relax in his own home. A friend of mine kept a clean house. But she married late in life. She treasured her time with her new husband. She rinsed the dishes after dinner and left them until the morning, so that she could spend time with him when he came home from work. By necessity, when a baby came things changed. But those moments weren’t wasted.

Your mate’s clothes can be ready for work. They should smell fresh, not soured from being left in the washer and then dried! Oh, you say he does his own! Why? Is it because he wants them washed correctly? (If your clothes are dingy, maybe this site will help: http://www.ehow.com/how_46_laundry.html.) Or if you both must work outside the home, perhaps he helps out around the house. Or maybe you have a new baby, sick child or parent, or you may have been ill and need help.

Do you remember the iron? How wonderful it is to see a man wait on the Lord’s Table or lead a prayer with a nicely pressed shirt. Don’t you have a sense of pride when your husband looks presentable to his co-workers or the congregation? Why not take care of those things, so that he can dedicate himself more to the work of the church?

On balance, providing a comfortable environment excludes making him miserable by being overly concerned with your housekeeping endeavors. If your husband is not a Christian, you can be sure these things will contribute to winning him without a word (1 Peter 3:1).

Physically

Do you prepare meals? A significant number of women don’t! No wonder health problems are rampant. Fast food companies are interested in selling their products. So most of their foods are less healthy than home cooked foods. How long has it been since you prepared a meal “from scratch.” That doesn’t mean a gourmet meal must be prepared. One of my husband’s favorite dinners is a Southern meal of beans, cornbread, greens and sliced tomatoes! Not hard!

Emotionally

How often do you tell your husband that you love him? That you are proud of him? That you are thankful for him? We have been oversold the idea that men are not very emotional beings. While we may tend to lose our emotions more, being more given to tears, men do have feelings, and emotional needs. Encouraging words from you mean more than from anyone else.

Sexually

Do you minister to your mate’s needs? While we are told that men are less emotionally involved in the acts of love, that doesn’t mean he has no emotional involvement. If you are cold, use sex as a favor for giving you money or letting you have your way, or use it as a weapon when you want to get even, you are misusing God’s plan for this special intimacy. What a sinful shame it is to abuse a man in such a way.

Communication

When you need something, do you pout because he can’t read your mind? We have all been distracted from being good listeners from time to time. Kindly ask for what you need. And remember to do the right thing, even when he hasn’t. Learn to let some things roll off you. It is so easy for all of us to react poorly when we perceive ourselves as being wronged. For help in this area there is an excellent book titled How to Act Right, When Your Spouse Acts Wrong by Leslie Vernick (Good used or new copies are available at good prices through Amazon.com.)

Spiritually

Encourage your husband in his spiritual life. Budget to build a good Bible study library. Be an example by reading your Bible and being a student of the Word. Initiate conversation about spiritual matters. And that doesn’t mean criticizing the preacher or elders. Rather, tell him about something you learned from a word study, or passage that you are memorizing. Study some passages about the joy of being in Christ. If he is a babe (whether by years or slow growth), and doesn’t listen well, don’t take offense; instead, make it brief. However, regularly try to share with him so perhaps his interest will grow. If he isn’t a Christian, and is obstinate upon any approach with the word, remember Peter’s admonition to attempt to win him without the word (1 Peter 3:1-6). Be an example of godly behavior. Be chaste, modest, avoiding worldliness.

As you attempt to bless your husband’s life, don’t force any “gift” upon him. If he doesn’t like broccoli, and you think he should eat it, forget it! If he isn’t in the mood to hear certain topics discussed, put it off. We aren’t the only ones who have moods! Be sensitive about unloading your troubles upon him when he first arrives home from work. This is especially hard to do during times of crisis or when you have small children.

It is a sad fact that not every marriage can be saved. Spouses leave their mates for others. Spouses commit horrendous sins against their mates. But most marriages could improve, if wives, and husbands, would attempt to grow in the knowledge of what the Lord would have them do. Marriage can be an avenue to greater spiritual maturity. Even if a marriage does not improve, the approval of our heavenly Father for our own lives of growth is worth all our efforts. May the Lord bless you this day with greater compassion for your mate, with greater determination to be a minister of the Lord in your home.

Suggested Reading

Karol Ladd, The Power of A Positive Wife, (2003) West Monroe, LA: Howard Publishing Company.

Ken Wilson, The Christian Home, by God’s Design,(2004) Fort Worth, TX: Star Bible & Tract Corporation.

Wayne Jackson, Marriage: As Designed by God, http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/marriage_as_designed_by_god.

Wayne Jackson, Dealing Treacherously With One’s Spouse,, http://www.christiancourier.com/articles/read/dealing_treacherously_with_ones_spouse.